There is never a good time for air conditioning to break. Larry Tubbs sat in church and Immediately began to feel it. He was an avid church goer who loved his fellow man, but something got into him this hot Sunday morning. The temperature was abnormally sweltering and Larry was not a small man by any stretch. He weighed five hundred and thirty-some-odd pounds. This poor giant man was stuffed between two nice old church biddies. And I was in the very next row. You could say I had a front pew seat. He was squeezed so tight between these gals that he had to sit with his arms in front of his body. Visibly uncomfortable, He started sweating like a pig the moment he sat down.
Soon after he found his seat the church became packed. He began sweating even more profusely. Larry was having trouble breathing at this point, and started squirming in his seat. The ladies seemed not to be bothered by his writhing, or maybe they just didn’t want to make a scene, but the scene came. Massive amounts of sweat were pouring off of Larry, dripping from his Virginia-baked ham sized neck. His shoulders looked like the curvature of the Earth, and heaved up and down with each breath more vigorously with every word from the pastor, as if being filled with the holy spirit. All of this would not be as bad if the air-conditioning hadn’t broke in the place just before the service. God sure is a bastard, huh?
I could see that Larry was really turning red now, and his breathing was even more labored than before. I got my phone out, ready to call 911 in case what seemed like the inevitable happened when of the biddies beside Larry was starting to become noticeably uncomfortable herself. Just when I thought Larry was going to suddenly drop dead and I would be the climactic savior by calling for help, I heard a biddy say,
“I bet you’re having a tough time, huh big boy?”
My thumb was on the nine. That is when Larry lost it. Like a giant hippopotamus, but twice a loud, Larry rose from his seats squealing. Sweat pouring off of his body like a hippo tearing ass out of a river. I swear he was airborne for a minute! He tore into the biddy on his left with every pound of his giant fat body. Picking her up like a rag doll, he bit her on the neck and tossed her onto the pew and started mauling and biting her again in the stomach.
Well, my thumb that was on the nine was then pressing the two extra buttons. Everyone cleared the area as the two continued to engage in the completely mismatched, wild, battle. Arms flailing, legs being tossed around as if he were assisting her in doing a Cirque du Soleil routine. the lady was tough and took every bit of the wild hippo’s slaps and bites. The cops arrived and poor Larry was so out of control, they had to shoot him dead.
The biddy was treated at the scene for broken bones, bites and bruises. I’m fine with never going back to church after something like that. I never was a big fan of God anyway.
Too bad the biddy who was attacked wasn’t even the one who said that to poor Larry.
By: Joseph DeCommer